Writing Through Divorce

I had been with my wife for more than twenty years when our marriage came to an end. It wasn’t a spectacular flame-out just a sort of sad fizzle that sometimes happens. And even though our split was somewhat amicable it left me adrift and confused and I struggled with trying to cope with the enormity of my grief.

I now lived in a strange new house with new furniture. I sat in my dining room asking myself “What now?”  I was disoriented and scared but open to starting something new. Years earlier I had began writing a novel that I hadn’t finished. I found the outline on my hard drive and thought about the possibility of entering this other world. I had never written fiction and for the first time in my life I didn’t feel intimidated by the prospect of it.

To be clear I didn’t write directly about my marriage. I wouldn’t have been able to write a memoir about the nittty gritty of it without throwing stones or trying to make a case or sound bitter, which in all honesty, I was. My book was about a young woman who was trapped on an island in the middle of a great river. She must let the river freeze so she can escape to the mainland. I placed my protagonist in an almost impossible position and let her fight for survival. I made her strong and creative -- two qualities I always admired in my wife. It was a story that was intended to explore the themes of hope and possibility and it animated me during this dark time. 

I woke every morning eager to turn on my computer and explore the motivations of my protagonist. Writing gave me a reason to climb out of bed at a time when getting out of bed was a major feat. In retrospect it also allowed me to explore my emotions creatively and in a way productively. Writing gave me a daily meditation on my emotions and I eagerly awaited each session in a way I have never felt on any other writing project. Passages and insights continually surprised me and I learned more about myself than I ever imagined possible. I quietly spent my mornings exploring emotions and in a way, my pain. I didn’t understand how important this was for me at the time and just busied myself crafting my story as best as I could.

Frequently I was surprised by how easy writing had become. The words seemed to pour through of my fingers effortlessly until one day I reached the end of my story. I stared at my computer in disbelief. Did I really write an entire novel? I felt a panic grow in my belly. I no longer had my manuscript and the routine of waking early with a sense of purpose. My house started to feel very foreign once again.

I put my manuscript away and for about a week I stumbled around in a twilight. For many weeks I had poured myself into my book and once again I had to let go of something I loved.  But I didn’t feel like the same person I was before I started to write. The novel had helped me empathize with the young girl trapped on the island. As a result I began to resolve some of my own feelings. In many ways my protagonist was modeled after the woman I had fallen in love with and I gained an insight into everything we had lost.

When I read the manuscript I discovered a workable story. I showed it to a few friends and received a positive reaction. I then sent it to a compassionate editor who encouraged me to make changes and avoid the pitfalls of my hubris. Deep down I knew I wouldn’t have been able to write this book if I hadn’t been going through a divorce. Before this crisis I simply didn’t understand the scale of emotion or complexity of feelings I had. The way you could feel love and loss in so many surprising ways. My divorce gave me a novel and for that I am thankful. It allowed me the opportunity to breathe and reflect and not dwell on my problems. For me it was the perfect tonic during a very challenging time and I am grateful. In May 2011 “An Island Between Two Shores” will be released.